Death Note: Advice Column
by Princess Unicorn123
Summary: For some reason, Mello posts a rant online and suddenly, everyone wants advice! Matt sets up a website and for unknown reasons Light stumbles across it. Things get real. Stuff hits the fan. Drama occurs.
1. Chapter 1

I've always been the loser. Always after Near, always second, always runner up.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Second place isn't exactly doesn't exactly mean you've lost. I bet you all think I'm being a crybaby or something. Well, dear reader, picture this. All your life, you've only wanted one thing. To succeed. To be the best. To win. Now, picture someone else comes along, years younger than you, and ruins everything. That damn Near.

Second place is losing, dammit! It's just a way of saying "You didn't win but you were close! Here have a freaking medal!" It's infuriating! To always come so close but still lose.

Look, I know that we all lose stuff sometimes but it isn't exactly board games and checkers I'm losing. It's my dreams, my hopes, the person I want to be. I want to be the best but how can I when that damn Near is always there, one step ahead?

I don't expect you guys to understand. I mean, it's not like you get my situation or the sort of crap that I've been through. Maybe I am just complaining. This stuff is important where I'm from. We need to be the best or...we're just another loser. I've always been second so nobody here gives me a second thought. It's always "Near, you're so great at everything!" "Near, god bless you and your all round perfection!" "Near, I wanna have your damn babies!" Why can't everyone see what a self absorbed loser that freaking sheep is.

They say I'm a loser because I'm too "emotional" What a load of bull! I mean, that sounds like I start crying when I'm asked to do a math equation! Which I don't. I am not emotional! Somethings just piss me off! But Nears the opposite. No matter what, he's always so damn cold and logical. He's like a robot and he gets praised for it! I have no idea why everyone has such high hopes for a guy like that! He's not a big deal!

God, I sound like a whiny little girl. It's just that guy annoys the hell out of me. I guess being second isn't that bad. It's better than being third. Matt doesn't seem bothered by it though. There's no pressure on him to succeed. Sometimes, I think he's third just because he wants to be. Like, he can't be bothered trying to be first so he just settles down somewhere where he can relax. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. He's a great guy but...well he doesn't have any ambitions what so ever. We had to write down what our hopes and dreams were for the future once. I put, to be first. Near put, to be as great as L. Damn sheep. And Matt...Matt wrote, to play games and eat Chinese food for the rest of my life. And to have hot babes. (I'm not even kidding. It's exactly what he wrote.)

Anyway, he is really smart. Smarter than he lets on. He finishes tests before any of us but always leaves stupid mistakes. But I know he does it on purpose because he knows all the stuff anyway! Look, don't tell anyone I said this but sometimes, Matt helps me with stuff I don't understand. He's smarter than me so I don't get why he plays dumb. Probably doesn't want the hassle. I don't blame him.

So, that was my stupid rant. Sorry for bothering you with this thing but sometimes I need a way to...channel my aggression. If I don't, I'll probably end up punching Near in the face. With a chair.

Okay, I'm going to go. Stuff to do, people to see, blah, blah, blah.

See ya.

Mello.

**A/N: Hey guys! Thought I'd do something with Mello today! He's awesome. I'm thinking of doing a regular thing like this. What do you think? It'll be something like the death note characters write down there biggest problems or something that they hate. With Mello, it's losing. So, tell me if you want more! Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey Mello._

_Why are you ranting online like a twelve year old girl? Are you a twelve year old girl? Also, if you're going to post stuff like this online, make sure people know what you're talking about. I mean, nobody but you knows who Near and I are so...you just come off as a freak. _

_Anyway, why are you posting this crap online? And I do not play dumb. I just can't be bothered being smart. If you want my advice (which you obviously need so greatly) just stop being such a damn drama queen. And nobody, I repeat nobody, wants to have Nears babies. Except Roger. Who knows what kinky stuff that guy is into..._

_Matt_

Dear Matt

How the hell did you find this thing! I mean, I deleted my history after I posted it! And I am not a twelve year old girl! You should know that better than anyone...

I only post stuff like this online because nobody will listen to me here! You're always to busy with your games to listen to me and nobody else gives a crap!

Anyway, what do you mean about not bothering to be smart?! That doesn't make sense! You're either smart or you're not! If you act dumb and you're smart you're playing dumb. And I am not a drama queen! I just get pissed, that doesn't mean I'm emotional or anything! So shut up.

Mello

P.S. You're probably right about Roger.

_Dear Mello _

_I'm good with computers. I always check what you're doing online (not in a creepy way)_

_Anyway, you look like a girl. I've never seen a guy with hair so shiny. _

_Look Mello, I like you and everything but...you are such a drama queen. I do listen to you but you're just...boring. You always go on about Near and how much you hate his guts and how no one gets you and if you look fat. Which you don't. You're perfect. For a whiny girly boy._

_I don't play dumb. I just...don't like to use my brain to the best of it's abilities. Too much work. And Mello, you are more emotional than a girl on her period. No offence. _

_Matt_

Dear Matt

There is no way that is not creepy. Seriously man, stop that.

Anyway, I like to look good! Just because some of us don't wash for weeks and spend all day playing video games and smoking (which is really bad for you) doesn't mean I can't take pride in my appearance. I am not girly. I am attractive.

I am not boring! I just want someone to listen to me! Everyone hates me and you just ignore me. You call me girly boy and say I'm emotional! I AM NOT EMOTIONAL!

Mello

_Dear Mello_

_By the way, why were you googling "How to make a guy fall in love with you?" _

_Is there something you're not telling me. It's Near, isn't it! You secretly long to have his sheep babies! Ha!_

_I will never stop. You're too interesting. _

_You already look good, idiot. And I do wash. Sometimes. Smoking is cool. I look like a badass when I smoke. You know I do. _

_It's more than taking pride in your appearance when you spend five hours getting ready in the morning. Nobody except Near hates you. Actually, I don't think Near cares about you enough to hate you. I don't ignore you. I just block out 50% of what you tell me. It's the only way I stay sane. _

_Mello, just except it. I am a sarcastic, dirty loner who spends half of his time on the internet and you are a self obsessed girly man with the mind of a teenage girl, that spends half his time on tumblr, searching for cute guys and home décor. _

_Yes, I know all your browsing history. _

_Matt_

Dear Matt

...just please stop. It's creepy.

And I don't want a guy to like me! That was research for a special top secret project that I did for L! I hate Near and his damn sheep babies. Ew.

You're...weird. Seriously...you're so screwed up.

I know I look good. I always look good. Always. Also, you never wash. Please just take a bath, Matt. You're starting to smell of cheese. Smoking is not "badass" it's disgusting. You're basically just sucking poison into your lungs, which really isn't badass. Just dumb.

Anyway, stop going through my computer! I don't like cute guys and home décor. It was research! Just research! God, please stop Matt. It's so creepy.

Mello

**A/N: This is basically the lead up to the advice columns. I want to know what you guys think first! Please review! I'll give you Matt! **


	3. Chapter 3

Light Yagami was tired of L.

The detective had been doing nothing but grilling him about Kira for weeks now. Nothing Light did or said convinced him otherwise. Also, the handcuffs were a bit...extreme. Not only was it slightly annoying to always be around the detective but the handcuffs themselves were really inconvenient.

Light sighed. L was busy making reports or something on the computer next to him. He had told Light to have some free time on the computer, which made Light feel like a five year old. He clicked through sites, bored out of his mind. He then came across something called, Advice4U.

Light looked at the front page of the website.

_Need advice? Want to whine about something like a little girl? Want to complain about stuff in a passive aggressive way? Well, this is the site for you!_

_I was tired of my friend boring me all day with his pathetic problems. So, I created a site where YOU guys answer other peoples problems so I can relax and play Assassins Creed. _

_Make an account, share your little worries and leave me alone._

_Thanks _

_Admin._

Light looked at L. He was still busy typing away. Light shrugged. What the heck.

He made an account and started typing.

_Hello._

_For a few weeks now, I've been forced to spend a lot of time with a guy I hate. All he does is complain, ask me constant questions about me and everything that I do and make me out to be some kind of monster! _

_He also never washes, eats nothing but junkfood, handcuffs me, stays up all night, with his damn computer and has really bad posture. _

_I can't get away from this guy and would like some advice in for coping with this idiot._

_Thanks _

_**Ilikepotatochips223**_

"What are you doing, Light-kun" L asked, leaning over to look at Light's screen.

Light quickly closed the window.

"Nothing! I was...reading...stuff." Light said, blushing.

"Light-kun, why are you blushing." L inquired, looking closely at Light.

"No reason!" Light cried, laughing nervously.

L looked at Light suspiciously. He was up to something. Possibly to do with the Kira case. In fact there was a 14% chance what Light was doing on the internet was not entirely innocent. There was also a 23% chance that Light was looking at an inappropriate website and a 7% chance he was looking at something that would prove he was Kira. L decided he had better check what Light was going on that made him act so suspiciously.

L hacked into Lights computer and looked at his internet history. He was currently on a site called Dressupgames, which looked like something for 10 year old girls. He scrolled down and found the site Light had been on previously. Advice4U

L looked around the site and came across Lights problem. Of course, he knew exactly who Light was talking about. He scrolled down to see what advice Light had been given.

_Dear Ilikepotatochips223_

_Are you SURE this guy hates you? I mean, have you ever heard of sexual tension? He asks you about yourself, handcuffs you to things and makes your life hell. Could he be suppressing his true feelings? Obviously this guy has issues but he may be acting out of love! My advice would be, give him a chance and see where it goes._

_Bye._

_**Sexychocolategunman**_

L raised an eyebrow

"I have sexual feelings towards Light-kun?" He murmured.

"What!?" Light cried, whirling round.

L sighed.

"According to this website, apparently the only reason you're apart of this investigation is because I have repressed feelings towards you." He explained.

Light went pale.

"D-Do you! I mean, I don't blame you! I'm freaking amazing but still!" He stammered. "I don't like you in that way! It all makes sense the handcuffs, the constant questioning, all because you are in love with me!"

"I am not in love with Light-kun." L replied, turing to face his computer. "In fact, I do not even like you very much."

"You're sure!" Light demanded.

"Of course." L assured him.

Light sighed with relief.

Then he realized.

The first thing someone with repressed sexual feelings would do would be to deny them. That night, Light made sure to keep his distance from the detective. Don't want him getting any ideas.

**A/N: Finally! An actual storyline! Huzzah! Please review and tell me if it's any good. Also, feel free to ask advice from any of the Death Note characters! Bye!**


	4. Chapter 4

Misa stared at her phone. It would ring any minute now...

Any minute now.

Any second...

Misa sighed. Why wasn't Light calling her? It had been almost two days since he had last called her. Well...two hours...but it felt like two days. She had sent over 20 messages and he wasn't answering. Maybe they weren't sending or something! She should try again.

_hey light did u get my messages? can u call me? i miss u so so so much! love you forever xxxxxx_

Misa sent it and waited for the phone to ring. After about a minute her phone buzzed. Light had got her message!

_Hello Miss Amane. This is Ryuzaki. Please stop text messaging Light-kun. He is working. He said he will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight Miss Amane._

Misa sighed. Light was always working. Always.

It wasn't fair. All she wanted was some quality time with him. Was that too much to ask? She suddenly had an idea! What if... Ryuzaki wasn't letting him speak to her. He was mean like that.

What if...she emailed Light! He's probably on the computer...L would never know!

She opened up her email and started typing.

_Dearest Light _

_How r u? Is L being mean? Is that y u can't call me? I miss u so much. Please reply! Love u forever! _

_Misa xxxx_

Her phone instantly buzzed.

_Miss Amane. _

_I am not forbidding Light-kun from speaking to you. In fact, Light-kun told me to tell you he is busy. I, on the other hand, am not so you could hardly accuse me of being unfair to Light-kun. If you wish to ask me anything about Light-kun I am free. But please...stop sending messages to Light-kun. It is distracting him. Goodbye. _

_Ryuzaki._

Misa cried in frustration. Why won't Light answer her. It wasn't fair. Maybe she should ask L. He was smart. He would know what to do!

_Dear Ryuzaki _

_Why doesn't light talk to me anymore? What should I do? I'm really sad and I am really needing advice. _

_From Misa xxx_

Her phone buzzed again. It was Ryuzaki.

_Dear Miss Amane _

_I cannot help you I'm afraid. I do not give very good advice on such matters. There is a site you can visit if you want advice called;_

_Goodbye Miss Amane. _

_Ryuzaki._

Misa sighed...she thought L was meant to be a genius.

"Well...I have nothing better to do." She muttered.

She typed the website address into her browser and looked at the site. It was fairly average in terms of design. She saw a notice on the front page.

_Dear People_

_Stop. Asking. Me. Questions. _

_I have to keep my account open so I can moderate questions but that doesn't mean ask me. Who do you think I am, God? Solve your own questions..._

_If you have any questions about the site...go screw yourself. I'm tired. _

_Admin. _

Misa frowned. That wasn't very welcoming.

She created an account anyway, since she was curious about why L had recommended the site.

_Um...hi? _

_I dont know what im meant to say...ive never really used sites like these before. _

_Okay well...my problem is my boyfriend doesnt spend anytime with me. Hes always busy working with this guy. Its like he would rather spend time with this guy than me. Im pretty and stuff but... Im not exactly a genius like him... _

_He never pays attention to me, no matter how pretty I look or how much I show I care about him. I love him so so much but I miss him alot. Can you people help me? _

_Love stargirlxoxo _

Misa sent off her question and closed the browser. She would wait for awhile before checking it again. Maybe Light was finished work! She should try calling him again to see...

**Near looked over Matt's site with mild interest. It was already quite popular. It was surprising that an idiot like Matt could come up with something that people would be interested in...**

**Near had first heard about the site when Matt announced it at lunch a few months ago. Since then, almost everyone in Wammy House was using it.**

**While Near had no interest in talking about people's problems, he felt as though he should at least have a look at the site. He always kept tabs on Mello and his friends since knowing your enemy was the first step to defeating them...**

**Near looked at the problems posted on the site. Those people were pathetic. Sharing your worries with the internet was never a smart thing to do. But...he could do this. Surely if a fool like Matt could make a website, he could answer some questions. He wasn't ranked number one for nothing. **

**Near created an account and browsed the site for a suitable question... **

Light was still busy.

Misa sighed. It just wasn't fair. She tried and tried to make herself seem more intelligent and interesting but...she got the feeling Light just wasn't interested in her at all...

She remembered about her problem and logged back into the site. Misa clapped excitedly. She had two replies!

_Dear stargirlxoxo _

_While I am not familiar with feelings like "love" and "affection" I do know that there are several signs that humans show when looking for a mate. _

_One, attraction. Meaning, he will spend a lot of time in your presence and pay particular attention to you in group situations. Your companion does not show this sign, am I correct? _

_Two, facial reactions. This means he will often look at you frequently and perhaps blush when in close proximity to you. _

_Three, sexual interest. Meaning, he shows signs of being attracted to you or makes "moves" on you. _

_Now...I will be blunt...do you think he is attracted to his work colleague? It would explain why he spends so much time around him. Also...he doesn't seem to be attracted to you. So...perhaps your relationship is not going to last. I am sorry. _

_From_

_solvethepuzzle _

Misa gasped. Light and...L?

How could it be possible? She was...SO PRETTY! It was all L's fault. He must have tricked Light into falling for him with one of his mind games.

She looked at the last reply.

_Dear stargirlxoxo _

_Yeah...he doesn't like you. _

_Like, he probably hates you. _

_And he's probably banging his friend. _

_Sorry. _

_Sexychocolategunman _

Misa gritted her teeth. That sneaky little...

He had stolen her Light! This was unacceptable! He was HERS! They were going to be a family and get married and have children and rule the world. It was her destiny. There was no way L was coming between that.

And with that... Misa started her plot to kill L.

**A/N: Hey guys...haven't updated in a while...Sorry -_- been busy. **

**Hope you enjoyed! Don't forget to review! **


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